im drinking this country out of the recession.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
