I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
