mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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