Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
