we have officially lost it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
