no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
