I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
