And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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