you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize