I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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