I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
