This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
