my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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