im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
