Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
