I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Is Oprah even human
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
