my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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