woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
