I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
