you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
