I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
