Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
