i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
