Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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