May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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