Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
