i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
