dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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