I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
