i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
