put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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