Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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