I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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