My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
