new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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