I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
