dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm like, not good at living.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
