it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
