Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize