i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
