$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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