I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
