So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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