im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
50% drunk capacity currently
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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