Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
