Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
