you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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