I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
