My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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