You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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