I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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