I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
