Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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