It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
