Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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