please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
