I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Your penis caused this!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
