I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
